The Black Female Narrative: Love Edition #0001

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For the last decade I had someone around me who I now think is meant for me. To me it’s a relationship that defies “normal” convention. 

Why? 

Well, we met at work. I'd just started a new role whilst he’d been there a while. I'd been brought in to do some work which meant very occasionally working his team. However we only had six weeks before he moved on to another company. You could say that six weeks is too short a time to really gauge another person and form a connection or maybe it accelerated the process. Either way, he effortlessly left an indelible mark. He was funny, direct, incredibly smart, passionate about helping people and was unapologetic about advocating for them wherever and however he could. I fell hard into a crush even though we were so different.

I'm someone who is quite direct in most areas of my life but romance? Nah. So I was pretty confident I wouldn't be acting on my feelings. I’d also decided that I wasn’t his type and it became clear he was seeing someone - making him a hard no go area. So I enjoyed our brief, platonic and professional encounter, went to his leaving drinks and said goodbye. 

A few months later, I received an email from him at his new role just to say hi. I was surprised and happy, if I’m honest. I checked with other colleagues if they had got an email but nothing. And so would begin a tradition across the years that no matter which job either of us was at, no matter how long it had been since we had spoken, he would always email me to let me know where he was.

Over time his relationship would come to an end, our friendship would grow and eventually, we’d have a conversation about how we felt about each other. We saw each other for a while and made beautiful memories but we both had our challenges that meant it didn’t stick.

He’d always made a point of telling me that he loved me and no matter what happens he would always be there for me. I found it tough to believe and after a particularly difficult and hurtful conversation, we would part ways, in my mind, for good. Months, sometimes years, would pass and one of us would reach out. On my side, I'd spend a lot of those interactions keeping him away and telling him we didn’t need to revisit our history. He's kind of like kryptonite to me so it felt safer to distance myself. He’d graciously accept it and would let me know again that he’d always be there and hoped it would change.

He reached out to me this time last year asking to rekindle our friendship. I stepped away again as I knew I wanted more and didn’t think it was fair to pretend otherwise. But before the year could end, I felt such a profound loss after seeing something that reminded me of him. It was kind of unsettling to me how strongly I felt. Like I was heartbroken. I wrestled with it for a while but I reached out to him saying that I believed we were meant to be around each other and wanted to see him.

And here’s where the lesson comes in.

He didn't question why or hesitate. He just asked me when. I realised that he had always been clear with me about how he felt at every step of our relationship, even when it was hard. I hadn’t picked up on the safety of his consistency, the clarity with which he expressed his feelings and how - to me - this is a demonstration of how much he loves and values me. Our reconnection has allowed me to trust that there are people in the world who genuinely love me and that there's joy in loving them back wholeheartedly.

2024 marks ten years since we first met. Our relationship has evolved from colleagues to friends to lovers to estranged and back to trying to rebuild our friendship. And though we're not together, the romantic in me believes that one day we could be. I’ve also realised that love transcends labels. You don't have to be with someone to love them. Just experiencing life together is important. And this applies to all relationships, not just the romantic ones.

We must allow ourselves to be loved in whatever shape or form that comes. Nothing feels better than people choosing to pour into each other. I think that's where the magic is, the decision. I suppose what I'm saying is don't be afraid to love whether that's through family, friends, or lovers. We as Black women deserve a love not steeped in pain, servitude or struggle. We deserve to simply be loved just for love’s sake.

See you Monday, loved one

My chest almost burst with pride when a post came up on Instagram applauding Adejoké Bakare for being the first Black female Michelin-starred chef and the second Black woman to do it full stop. Adejoké is the founder and head chef at Chishuru which “specialises in modern West African cuisine” as per Neha Gohil’s write up in The Guardian.

I am enjoying the way that African-inspired fashion and food is making its mark on the UK landscape. There are a series of brands across the space that are elevating the experience not just for those who are first-timers to the culture but for us the originators. I think food is a little like fashion: cutthroat, competitive and, at times, elitist. So to have cuisine like moi moi (or oleleh as we call it in Sierra Leone) now be considered gourmet cuisine is an interesting shake-up to the industry. 

Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve never needed outside approval, but this is less about them and more about allowing us to flourish worldwide through our food. I know restuaranteurs and from their accounts, it's a beast of an industry. I’m sure Adejoké and others have faced challenges in not only opening their restaurant space - the business is not exactly the easiest - but also presenting West African food in a way that takes us from the stereotypical tin takeaway bowls and white covers to the fine dining experience. The primary point here is that this is a phenomenal achievement and I’ve heard from those I know and love who visited Chishuru when it was at Brixton Village, it is an experience we should all have.

If you’re interested in other high-end African restaurants in London, why not try locations like Papa L’s Kitchen just off of Piccadilly Circus, Stork in Mayfair and Akara in Boroughs Yard.

So Paul Carrick Brunson and I have a distant history. I attended one of the first events he did in London around the time he released his first book, ‘It's Complicated’. (Shout out to Tayo and the team at Ivy Munroe for organising that event. Black women really are the tastemakers). Jaded, superficial me wrote a challenging review at the time saying I couldn't take advice from a man who couldn't possibly have ever struggled to secure a relationship. I mean have you seen him?! Paul responded with a beautiful message thanking me for my honest review which was super nice and made me wither.

In the decade-plus since that first meeting, he's blown up, appearing regularly on daytime television, hosting ‘Married at First Sight UK’ and ‘Celebs Go Dating’, partnered with dating app Tinder and is now releasing his second book, ‘Find Love’. 

I grabbed the audio version of the book which had me uh-huhing, nodding and gasping at some of the reality checks that he drops. Here's the thing about Paul: he feels like a genuine, safe space. An antidote to some of the toxicity that seems to be prolific in this space from the like of people like Andrew Tate. Paul is the embodiment of love! ‘Find Love’ explores the realities of what it means to date and commune in 2024 - like how a lot of men don't have a friend they can call in an emergency in the middle of the night, let alone help them assess their dating choices - and wades through some of the harmful assumptions made about modern-day dating.

Was I upset that Paul pokes holes in ideas like finding ‘The One’? Yeah, a little but that's a symptom of conditioning more than anything else and honestly, this is just an indicator of the book's energy: it's the missing conversation we should have had decades ago. I always spoke to my friends about my relationships and it took me ages to realise that those who I looked to for guidance didn't necessarily have the best relationships themselves, often clouding my experience with their own. This is something Paul also talks about in the book.

I guess that as someone who's followed his career and follows him online, the book feels like big brother ‘‘aving a word’ about how we can stop harming each other and ourselves by navigating our dating lives more thoughtfully and honestly. He also makes it clear we're not to blame for stumbling through and that we're victims of our circumstances more than anything else.

My key takeaways have been to get clear on what you want: your values, your intentions your attachment styles and focus on quality communication. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and let your loved ones know you're looking. Being sure of your own needs helps you filter quicker and avoids less heartache.

I intend to do something I never do which is listen to the book again. I think this isn't a one-and-done but something you'll consistently need to revisit and learn new things from. A little like CBT therapy.

Overall, I felt the evolution in Paul's work though that could also be influenced by the fact I too am in a different stage in my life. It's the opportunity to start having conversations about healthy relationships sparked by someone who is genuinely interested in people being happy.

Why not check out some of these romance novels from our favourite publishers, Jacaranda.

If you’re like me and love watching online shows such as Black Love or Instagram channels like Meet Cutes NYC, then I think you’ll like Black Luv UK on YouTube. Inspired by the American format, UK couples are invited to tell their story of how they came to be together and it is done in an intergenerational way. I also love the fact that there is an intercultural couple too. I think the series speaks to our hunger to see us in circumstances that aren’t always steeped in drama and not pitted against each other.

You can watch Season 1 and 2 on YouTube.

OTHER WAYS TO CONNECT THE DOTS

Check out One Day on Netflix if you're looking for a little romance TV.