#0027 A Change Gon' Come

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Hey loved ones,

It’s been two weeks since my last email. It all piled on: simultaneously looking for sixth-form colleges and primary school places for the boys, working, re-evaluating and thinking about the future of The Black Female Narrative but more on that later.

Something that piqued my interest recently was seeing clips on social media of the singer Jamelia on the TV show Celebs Go Dating. Typically private about her love life to see her on Celebs Go Dating felt unusual to me but her candour around being a mum to kids with three different dads resonated. I deeply respected Jamelia’s honesty regarding her fear of the stigma of being judged. It felt like a very familiar story people generally overlook. It's not always women trying to ‘trap’ a partner so they can receive some sort of 'benefit’ like money or the man himself. It could just be a woman who hoped each time that this was ‘the one’ and found out that they'd placed their trust in the wrong person or things had simply run their course.

It was a reminder to me that the only love seemingly acceptable for Black women is one attached to struggle or trauma. This isn't across the board, a lot of Black women have positive experiences but it's disappointing to me that a lot of people would be unsurprised by Black women being on the receiving end of cheating or abusive partners which was Jamelia’s experience.

I watched American football player turned podcast host Cam Newton's interview with Dr. Cheyanne Bryant and followed swiftly with her interview with Nick Cannon. I typically don't have time to watch extended interviews but this was one had me in a vice. It was uncomfortable to watch how insecure men unravel in the presence of a woman who doesn't need them. What was interesting about both these interviews were these men are in a similar position to Jamelia (Cam Newton has 8 children by 3 women and Nick Cannon has 12 kids by 6 women) but they would rarely be expected to make similar considerations.

They also had quite a toxic perspective on the role that women should play in their life. They are actively creating what Dr Bryant called “broken homes” by creating environments where children will never truly know what it's like to have both parents in the home. Cannon also admits to actively saying whatever he can to get women to give him what he wants with no real consideration for the impact and repercussions experienced by his chosen partner. These perspectives are not limited to celebrity men but some your everyday guys too who think being born with a penis is what makes a man with character.

The abuse and mistreatment of women and girls is commonplace. This sense of entitlement is demonstrated in the death of Olympian Rebecca Cheptegei who is one of several high profile runners who have been killed by their partners. Several people in my network who were deeply affected by this unnecessary tragedy which is another demonstration of how little value is placed on the lives of Black women.

Though to some it may feel that I've taken a massive leap from our original starting point, I genuinely haven't. The relationship dynamics between some Black women and men can ultimately contain each of these elements we’ve explored: manipulation, lack of value placed on Black women, the expectation that struggle is our portion, and being left with children. Some of the toxic perspectives of men like Cam Newton and Nick Canon should be considered abuse which can lead to emotional and sometimes physical abuse leaving women no choice but to start again in the hopes of finding a safer relationship.

I am proud that Jamelia was confident enough to share her story and spotlight the unfair (and often ill-considered) stereotyping of single Black mothers, at times with no real knowledge of the circumstances. I hope she is finally able to find someone who’ll value her and her beautiful daughters the way they should be.

Long-term readers will know that I always worry about amplifying these stories. The Black Female Narrative was intended as a space to celebrate Black British women because it feels like the stories are hard to come by and, to be honest, I've struggled week on week to find them in mainstream press.

It's considerations like that that's made me think about how I want this publication to evolve. I want to be able to speak to you about anything and everything. Not only discussing lifestyle and commenting on what's going on in the world but talking more about my learnings as an entrepreneur, business owner and mother. As such I will be rebranding TBFN under my name as its mission will now change to sharing my learnings.

I wanted to give you a heads up as you may decide that this is no longer something you want to subscribe to which I understand. I plan to make a full transition at the beginning of October taking the next few weeks to prepare for the new direction.

If you choose to leave at this point, I just want to say thank you for joining me on this journey as I figured out where I wanted us to go. If you stay, I'm grateful to you for giving the forthcoming format a chance.

Until next time Loved One,