#0019 If AI ruled my world…imagine that…

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Hey Lovely,

October 2019 I made a decision: I was done with men. I was going to focus on my business and my kid for a year.

I'd just said goodbye to someone I was convinced was my husband and had decided to quietly quit a five year situationship. It wasn't meant to be that long. To be fair, when we met at a funeral - yep, funeral - I wasn’t looking for him at all.

At the time I had been busying myself by trying to be helpful and avoiding the heaviness in my chest. I'd never been to a funeral or its reception before. Maybe this slimline version of Busta Rhymes sensed my sadness and that’s the reason why he kept smiling at me from where he was sitting.

And not just any old smile, dear Reader. This was hard-core. Full beam. His lips were giving me full Busta (Google it) whilst his eyes were duetting, asking me like Janet  "What's It Gonna Be?!" (Spotify it).

“Bruv! Noone should be smiling this hard in this kind of setting. Are you OK?!” I wondered as I tried to play it cool. I wondered whether we'd met before and I'd forgotten. But him? My friend. You'd remember.

I was confused. He was persistent. And whilst reading people is my special skill, reading men romantically typically gets me an ungraded mark. But this was like having Lassie, Jessica Fletcher, Inspector Gadget, me wearing all 10 pairs of glasses that I own and the answer sheet. I could not misread this. Damn a man with confidence.

After ending up near each other a couple of times -  him still smiling, me still looking - he finally started talking to someone I knew. So, I did what any red blooded woman would do: I left. Yep. Clean exited that hall and the East London area with a quickness.

After what I thought was an appropriate period of time - honestly it was probably a day - I asked a friend who was he was. "Oh he's so lovely!" she said. She called him and he instantly knew who she was talking about. 😏. So she gleefully made the intro and we went on a cinema 'date'. And, there it began.

We'd spend time together, talk about life, share food, music. He brought this unbelievable perfume back from Barbados that I have never been able to find here. And he became a safe space for discovery. It was an uncomplicated, clear, and comfortable relationship. We truly were friends with no permanent romantic intentions but after five years on and off it had run its course.

So I turned my back on men, told the Universe my plans, it laughed, decided I needed stretch goals and sent a two year pandemic. To be fair, my business hit six figures so my clients were compensated.

Then I unexpectedly became a guardian to my youngest and so another two years unfolded, which was the equivalent of the nine months I didn’t have to prepare, plus maternity leave whilst still working plus all the emotions of deciphering who you are when you become a parent of two. And so, as the dust sort of settles on all of that, I’ve decided (kinda reluctantly to be honest) it’s time to get back into the world.

How? I’m going to let ChatGPT be my dating coach (Now do you get my subject line? See what I did there?! - Nas reference for those who didn’t). A friend reminded me to add a disclaimer that no men shall be hurt in the creation of this part social experiment, part content generator.

I’ve given myself some rules:

1. Go with your gut, ignore the ‘dating rules’.

2. No expectations.

3. No risky funny business - I’m too old for that.

4. I have to do a minimum of a week. (I haven't even installed the app and I've already uninstalled it in my head) and, most importantly,

5. HAVE FUN.

So wish me luck, Loved Ones sighs

Until next week,

I love this book. As I mention in Mister Mentions below, it's so critical that we hear the experiences of men. Left to the wider narrative Black men are heartless. The truth is they desire, love and hurt just as we do. Here's the synopsis:

Told from the perspective of some of the finest contemporary Black writers and thinkers, MANDEM is an ode to the moments in our pasts that shape us, and gratitude at being able to appreciate these lessons in the present.

In a beautiful blend of prose and lyricism, each essay sees its author tap into their most vulnerable place — engaging honestly in conversations often silently grappled with by Black British men because of socially enforced beliefs around Black masculinity.

The themes in this essay collection range from the importance of male role-models, and the unique relationship between mother and son to the sexual pressure placed on young heterosexual men, while also asking the question: "what does contemporary Black queerness actually look like?"

It was Father’s Day yesterday which can bring up a host of emotions depending on your personal circumstance. One thing that has always been evident is the distinct lack of stories highlighting Black fathers as anything other than absent. Until groups like Dope Black Dads.

The Guardian recently did a profile piece on several Dads and it’s edifying to hear Black men tell their stories be it on fatherhood or life overall. Happy Father’s Day to all those who provide a stable force in the lives of their children. We remember those who are no longer with us and I extend comfort to those who have a difficult relationship with their Dads.