#0012 Speak up

 The Black Female Narrative is supported by you. When you purchase through links in our email or on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. We only endorse products and services we believe in.

My name is Juanita and I avoid hard conversations with people. It's a flaw. I'm not proud of it. I'm working on it. Slowly but still.

My name is Juanita and - at times - I have the worst conversations with myself. I duke it out internally when things go wrong or when I'm fearful.

These two facts collided for me this week and I learnt the most gratifying lesson.

Last week, I told someone I was taking a temporary step back from them and we'll reconnect in a few weeks once I made peace with how I needed things to be.

I've had similar conversations before that had turned into fights despite me being clear from the beginning that I had no expectations of the other person. Their responses taught me that ego can make people dramatic and so I learnt the lesson that telling your truth automatically led to pain. This meant I avoided those conversations and classified them as distructive. It served me better not to have them.

My body felt otherwise though as I would have a physical reaction to not speaking my truth. I'd feel like a Coke bottle that you shook hard but left the cap on. Talking and writing things down were temporary solutions. I needed that dialogue with the other person. To see, hear and feel their responses and reactions (or non responses) because it was truer than any conjecture I would make or any perspective anyone else could give me.

I knew in this instance I needed distance and wanted to be honest about why because I believe context is everything. Communicating what was going on was important as I still wanted us to keep our connection. I just needed to readjust how I related to them and set better boundaries.

Once I'd explained where I was, I felt free and for the first time in a while it reframed conversations for me. Speaking your truth is not the criminal offence some people will make it. And let me be clear, I don't mean attacking someone with your words. I mean simply saying this is what I feel and this is what I need. Full stop.

That's when I realised I'd been doing myself an injustice all this time. As someone who channels deeply into how we connect to each other energetically, I realised that the 'fizzy' feeling I felt was my spirit protesting. I was denying myself something I needed. And on top of that I was bullying and gaslighting myself into thinking that it was distructive.

It reminded me of how important feeling safe is whenever you're dealing with people. If there is any circumstance where I don’t feel safe enough to express myself in the way I need to then I just can't be there. Talking isn't problematic. It's necessary and if you don't feel safe doing that is it really somewhere you should be?

MEME OF THE WEEK

Until Monday, Loved One

I wanted to celebrate the new podcast from TV presenter Marverine Cole, The Trouble With Politics (TTWP). The podcast is Marverine's take on what is happening within our political system and how it affects everyday people.

TTWP's description is as follows:

Join Marverine as she aims to shed light on perspectives often skimmed over on mainstream news programmes, examining the major challenges facing our nation through the lens of those who feel they are left on the margins of politics. She’ll also be talking to people working within the political system in various different roles, hearing their views on what they are hoping to achieve.

From the outset, Marverine has had interesting guests with profile including writer and social commentator, Nels Abbey, and Welsh First Minister Vaughan Gething and discusses of the minute topics.

I love this for Marverine. She is perfectly demonstrating how you use the tools made available by tech to showcase all facets on your skillset. The podcast is also accessible and I'm not sure I see any one that looks like us in the UK having this style of conversation in this format so I'm looking forward to experiencing more.

You can catch The Problem with Politics on Spotify.

Yomi Adegoke has always felt like an important voice of our time. After the launch of her seminal and genre forming first book, Slay In Your Lane (written with Elizabeth Uviebinene) in 2018, her journalistic and writing career has continued shine. Recently the paperback version of her first fiction novel, The List, hit the shelves. Here's the synopsis:

Ola Olajide, a high-profile journalist, is marrying the love of her life in one month's time. Young, beautiful, successful – she and her fiancé Michael seem to have it all.

That is, until one morning when they both wake up to the same message:

‘Oh my god, have you seen The List?’

It began as a list of anonymous allegations about abusive men. Now it has been published online. Ola made her name breaking exactly this type of story. She would usually be the first to cover it, calling for the men to be fired. Except today, Michael’s name is on there.

With their future on the line, Ola gives Michael an ultimatum to prove his innocence by their wedding day, but will the truth of what happened change everything for both of them?

I admit I had never watched an episode of Dr. Who before Ncuti Gatwa's debut and I was intrigued that such a high profile institution was risking backlash from their audience by casting a Black man in this iconic television role.

Watching him, I loved him instantly! Fun and charismatic, his introductory and first full episode were a joy and I've been anticipating the series avidly ever since.

Due May 10 on Disney+, Ncuti is out on press tour ahead of the new season and spoke to Variety about being a Black man in the industry.

“There’s so much white mediocrity that gets celebrated, and Black people, we have to be absolutely flawless to get half of [that] anyway,”

“So, I’m slowly training myself out of that and being like, ‘No shit. You deserve love just for existing.’ And that has taught me to be a lot more loving as well, in a weird way.”

I can't lie I thought this was a brave interview. In the anti-woke climate we live in either Variety have chosen an interesting angle (the conspiracy theorist in me wonders if it's a set up) or Ncuti is just a man who tells it like it is. He doesn’t say anything particularly new to be honest but I respected his candor.

Can I also point out that he's not the first Black Dr Who but the first permanent one. Actress Jo Martin played a version of The Doctor during Jodie Whitaker's tenure but that seems to be overlooked.

Here are some of the news stories that have caught my eye:

• Q&A: Championing Black-Owned Businesses In Partnership With The Black Equity Organisation - PressParty

• OPINION - There's a toxic online debate about being the 'right' kind of mixed-race — and I hate it - Yahoo News

• Are Black women being failed by IVF? - Women's Health

• The soft life: why millennials are quitting the rat race - The Guardian

• The long overdue rise of the luxury afro hair salon in London - The Evening Standard