The Black Female Narrative #0003: Love Beyond Borders

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As we started in the month of love, our first couple of editions have been around the subject. In the final reference to love as we move into March, I wanted to talk about losing someone you love and how I believe that love and connection never ends. I know this Editor's Lead won't be for everyone but I hope if it is for you, it resonates.

May 26, 2023, should have been another standard birthday for me. Instead, it took on more significance as it was the day I lost my aunt, aka my second mum. My mum is one of five children: four girls and a boy. There’s the matriarch (the eldest of that line), my favourite aunt, my second mum, my uncle, and then my mum.

My second mum was the person I called when I needed advice. She was the glue in our family, always caring for others, so when she was diagnosed with cancer, which she fought vehemently, it was devastating for us as a family.

When she did pass my mum woke me and told me she was gone. I looked at the time and saw 4:44 on the clock. To lose such a key person is heartbreaking, but something happened in the subsequent weeks that gave me peace.

I've always felt connected to my family who have passed, typically when my aunts and uncle visit me in my dreams. It happened the week I gave birth to my eldest, just before the arrival of my youngest and, two weeks before my second mum would pass. This most recent time, my favourite aunt came in a dream and told me to look after the matriarch. I panicked, thinking the matriarch was ill, not even considering that it was the other mother figure in my life I would lose.

As we began the process of mourning, things would happen that felt like messages from her. Randomly, the hymn Blessed Assurance came up on Instagram a day or two after she passed. It was a clip of The Terrell Show with Grammy- Award-winning Jazz singer Samara Joy singing. A peaceful feeling came over me and my spirit confidently said “This was her favourite”. But I dismissed it because there's no way I could know that. She'd always lived abroad, and it's not something we'd ever talked about. As we went on to discuss her funeral arrangements, my cousin would confirm that indeed it was her favourite.

I started to consistently see 444 everywhere and began to document each time it happened. After taking the matriarch to a dental appointment, my aunt's favourite song came on as we finished up the paperwork, and I knew it was her way of telling me she saw what I was doing. It was typical of her as she would always call to thank me for stepping in when my cousins couldn't. For weeks, I would see the fours, especially once my mum travelled abroad for six weeks to support my aunt's children. They’d appear in telephone numbers, licence plates, and even in my Uber order. I believe she came to watch over me as I stayed with my children and the matriarch whilst Mum went to watch over her children.

I had the opportunity to go to Jamaica at the end of last year and in the middle of the night went to sit in the hotel lobby because I couldn't sleep and needed to work. Her favourite song came on, and as I looked at the time, sure enough, it was 4:44. I knew she was telling me she was there.

When I started to deal with one of the biggest challenges of my adult life at the end of last year, the numbers appeared again. To me it was a confirmation that we were going in the right direction and were supported. Sure enough we've navigated another life altering situation in a supremely positive way.

So here's the lesson: I don't believe our loved ones leave us. Their love defies logic and appears around us if we're open to seeing it. Grief is a guaranteed experience in life, and it is painful and hard and debilitating. However, a loved one's passing is not the end. I believe they come around you and continue to be a part of the tapestry of your life, even if it's not in the way you're used to. That doesn’t mean you shouldn't grieve or acknowledge your feelings. It's actually really important you do that as part of your own self care. But though their physical body may no longer be here, their love goes beyond borders.

Until Monday, Loved Ones

Leanne Pero MBE is a powerhouse. She is an author, speaker, entrepreneur, and founder of Black Women Rising, a cancer support project created by Leanne after she struggled with the aftermath of her own battle with breast cancer at just 30 years old. Leanne realised that the NHS lacked cancer support packages for BAME cancer patients and began to advocate on behalf of all of us.

I had the privilege of meeting Leanne after I was hired as one of the publicists for her sold-out play ‘Unseen Unheard’, which was based on the stories of Black women's experiences with cancer. I learnt so much from that experience. Imagine, in this day and age, the NHS still struggle to provide flesh coloured prosthetics for Black women or Afro textured wigs if they lose their hair during treatment, leaving women with no choice but to buy their own.

Leanne is a cancer survivor and has turned her experience into her life's mission to make sure that our voices are shared at decision making tables and that women have a supportive and safe space to talk about their experiences. However, what I particularly love about her is that her experience doesn’t define her and she loves and lives her life.

As someone who has had cancer hit my family multiple times as well as two different scares of my own, I understand how vital Leanne's work is. She recently launched series four of the Black Woman Rising podcast which covers topics such as dealing with cancer and motherhood, having cancer in the public eye, and living with it at stage 4.

We live in a time where 1 in 2 people will receive a cancer diagnosis. Not that long ago the stat was 1 in 3. It's a conversation we really need to be having.

You can watch episodes of the Black Women Rising podcast on YouTube.

As we're discussing health, it makes sense to highlight NHS GP and TV Doctor Dr Nighat Arif's book, The Knowledge. It was great to meet Dr Nighat in my role as producer on the broadcaster Angie Greaves’ Book Club.

They had a beautiful conversation that touched upon what to expect with menopause, contraception, the murky relationship the medical profession has had with women of colour and Dr.Nighat's personal mission to strengthen the dynamics between the NHS and Black and Asian communities.

Dr. Nighat's warm personality, honesty, and vulnerability make you instantly love her. Couple that with her dedication to our women, and she's a critical ally in our healthcare journey. The Knowledge serves a personal guide for women of colour at all stages of their lives to get deeply familiar with their bodies from puberty to menopause and beyond. 

One of the great things about this book is that in a medical rarity, all the diagrams are of women of colour. Dr Nighat is relentlessly committed helping us see ourselves and being catered to.

You can grab your copy of The Knowledge on our online bookstore.

I remember when broadcaster Richie Brave announced his sister had passed away. It was raw and painful. He candidly spoke openly about his loss, and I was so gutted for him.

He recently dedicated an episode of his incredibly popular show, 1Xtra Talks with Richie Brave, to his sister. The show’s trademark style is having the hard-core conversations people typically tend to avoid. A part of our selffullness (my word to replace the idea that looking after ourselves is selfish) is to give ourselves the space to acknowledge who we are in a moment and how we feel.

It is such an excellent episode exploring topics such as grief counselling, losing a sibling, the financial impacts of funerals, and how to celebrate your loved ones though they're gone.

Richie took yet another important conversation, made it accessible and normalised us talking about it. Despite his own pain, he made the choice to help us all take steps towards our own healing processes.

You can listen to this episode and more of 1Xtra Talks on Spotify 

Here are a couple of stories I've seen across the week I thought you might find interesting.

• Over a million women continue to hide period sick days - Happiful

• FREE WEBINAR – Dying to Know: End of Life & Funeral Planning - Black History Planning

• The King started cancer treatment within a fortnight - Why do the rest of us have to wait? - The Lead