The Black Female Narrative #0002: For The Love of Sisterhood

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Before we get into it, I wanted to say thank you. The support for last week's edition, #0001 Love was overwhelming. My editor’s lead was the hardest piece to write, and I agonised over it for ages, but it brought me the most feedback, so thank you again. I was grateful to those who saw my heart.

Your response is a reminder of the falsehood that Black women don't support each other. There's not a more loving, supportive, and vibrant collective than Black women. Like when you are properly locked into those true friendships? Even G*d* herself must applaud her greatness. It led me to think about the juxtaposition of connection amongst women, more specifically in friendships.

Some of my most important relationships are my friendships. The friends you can spend hours on the phone with just chopping it up about the world. The friends who know all your deepest secrets. The friends who are your biggest cheerleaders. The friends you might not see all the time but you're connected anyway.

Friendships are beautiful things, but they're not always easy. In fact, they can be some of the more challenging relationships we can have in our lives, but we don’t necessarily treat them with the same reverence and scrutiny as we do romantic relationships. They occur so naturally that we can miss the fact that they evolve, need nurturing, and, in some cases, need to come to an end.

I keep my circle tight only because I know who I am as a person: If I am for you, I am all in. However, over time, I have learnt that you have to be discerning. I’ve had friends that I have invested heavily into and would ultimately come to the realisation that they weren’t for my good and hadn’t been for a while so I had to step away. It’s tough to grieve those losses but those who you select to be your chosen family can have such a powerful impact on your present and future that you have to be aware of who you let into your space.

A friend took me for cake the other week - which is always a winner with me - and we were talking about life and the decisions she would need to make in order to protect her peace. This would include saying goodbye to relationships that no longer served her. I have to be honest, I panicked.

She is a beautiful demonstration of resilience, fire power and independence - I loved who she was from the first time we met - but I worried that she was slashing away at a support system that she may need. I realised that what looked like a cutting of ties from the outside was actually a promise of support to the very best friend she has: herself. She explained to me that she needed to be really clear on who was truly going to support her on the inevitable journeys she'd be going on in the future. She needed people that she could trust had her back, especially in the more vulnerable moments. It made perfect sense.

And here is the lesson: sisterhood and friendship are important, but the right friendships are critical as not all are made the same. As we evolve as people and women, it's vital that we make those regular assessments as to whether or not those relationships serve who we want to become. We also need to realise that these relationships are two way so we may find ourselves as the ones left behind. However, remember that everyone makes decisions based on what they need, and that isn't a bad thing. A friendship running its course simply means you're no longer compatible. Both of you may have grown in different directions and that is ok.

I think the final point is that we also have to cultivate a friendship and sisterhood with ourselves. Our commitments to the outside world can make us deprioritise our check-ins with self to make sure we're getting the vital nourishment we need. I always say the person you'll spend the most time with in life is yourself. Honour her. Because in order to be the best you, she needs it.

Have you ever written something and realised that maybe your inner you is speaking through your words? I'm off to figure out what taking my own advice looks like.

Until Monday, Loved One

I learnt in my GCSE Religious Studies class that word G*d is so sacred that some religions replace the ‘o’ with an asterisk so they can write it. I've adopted that stance ever since.

I loved this article in The Guardian about people at 40 and what life has taught them so far. The article features people like Abena Oppong-Asare, MP for Erith and Thamesmead, who talks about how her life has evolved from wanting to be a designer to becoming a member of Parliament.

As someone who turns 40 this year it’s been a birthday I have been looking forward to for a while as it came with the promise of assurity, stability, and self-awareness. Maybe it's another one of those myths associated with age like you must have your life figured out by the time you're 30 but the way I feel in my skin caring less about frivolous things seems to be ringing true.

Reading through the photo series, what became clear is that ageing is not something to dread but embrace as your life reshapes itself into newer (and hopefully better) versions of yourself.

OTHER MIRROR MUSINGS STORIES

Check out this article by publicist and businessowner, Ronke Oke MBE, on the 44 things she's learnt at 44. Even though I can't speak to #41 I can confirm that Sierra Leonean is better…😜

I wanted to introduce you to Natalie Campbell. Natalie is running as an independent candidate for the position of Mayor of London.

I need to make it clear that my highlighting of Natalie’s campaign is not necessarily to tell you to vote for her - though I hope you'll consider her. I will be because I think we need a change from our current mayor and need fresh blood to London to new levels. And yes, I’m biassed. I’ve never seen a Black woman run for this role and credibly from what I can see. The last woman of colour I supported was Siobhan Benita (twice) and I think London could do with a woman in charge. We’ve seen in recent years how women in top positions in Europe and New Zealand have done particularly well, let alone those countries under female leadership on the continent. I wanted to highlight Natalie in honour of this week's theme of sisterhood and share four reasons why she's so impressive to me.

1. She knows how to pivot - Adaptability is a highly necessary life skill if you want to survive in the world. Natalie started her campaign on the longlist for the Conservative candidate for the Mayor of London. The Conservatives wouldn't have been my first choice but running a campaign is expensive (You need a minimum of £20k alone to even get your name on the ballot paper) so aligning with an already functioning party with infrastructure makes sense. When she wasn’t selected, Natalie didn't end her journey. She pivoted. The mere fact she had a plan B ready to go and within months shows her foresight and strategic planning. The likelihood of Conservatives choosing a Black woman to run felt slim to none to me - even more so after Shaun Bailey was their last candidate - but either way Natalie won, even if it was inadvertently. Not only was she able to use the association for leverage with the press, it allowed her raise her visibility with and speak to that audience.

2. She's a woman about her business - I'd already heard about Natalie before her mayoral aspirations. She's one of the co-directors for an ethical water company Belu, Chancellor at Westminster University, an author, lecturer. She is highly and diversely skilled. Her initial campaign slogan was that she wanted to run London as a business, which I liked. Policy, procedure, vision, and mission are critical to running the best of the best organisations, but Natalie also doesn’t miss that people are core to everything. Without them, you have nothing.

3. She’s not afraid to speak her truth - I have seen Natalie publicly call out the current administration multiple times for not taking their commitment to Londoners seriously. We also shared the same feelings on the recent naming of an overground line after the Windrush generation (We want the victims to be compensated not more instances of people profiteering from their lives). Sometimes, to be the one means standing alone and speaking out when it’s uncomfortable, and she doesn’t seem to shy away from that.

4. Her campaign game is tight - I’ve had a couple of conversations with people who have wanted to run for London’s top job and tended not to really think about the strategy and people. From what I can see from Natalie’s campaign, she has been grafting earlier than most and came ready. I haven’t seen any other political candidates with similar visibility. Natalie’s use of multimedia where she speaks to you directly about her aspirations, her policies and is actively documenting behind the scenes of her journey is an excellent method in transparency and you are given the opportunity to make of her what you will. If she can run a campaign like this, imagine what she could do at the GLA.

From the moment Natalie announced her candidacy I’ve been excited by the prospect of the change she could make to the city. I’m not ignorant to the fact that once she gets into the job, things could be different. I think people miss the fact that internal policy, procedure, and politics can often slow and kill the best of intentions mentioned during the campaign run, but Natalie will still have my vote this May.

It’s easy to say it’s impossible for an independent candidate to win an election against the main parties, but I’m not sure I subscribe to this especially as what we have is currently not working. If you have the people and money behind you, nothing can stop you. Natalie is not exclusively a Black candidate or a female candidate - I accept that - but if we as Black women got behind her (That’s 1.2m of us according to the 2011 government census) we'd make a significant impact to the outcome of her campaign.

Discover Natalie Campbell for yourself at her campaign website, https://teamcampbell.london/ 

OTHER CAREER & MONEY CANVAS STORIES

I just wanted to acknowledge Cynthia Erivo’s appointment as Vice President of the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts alongside David Harewood who has been made its president. I wanted to highlight this story because a lot of the UK based news stories are leading solely with David Harewood when we have two high profile actors breaking ground in this space.

Cynthia has almost been made into a footnote in some instances but not here at TBFN.

Congratulations, Cynthia!

This week’s book is one I’ll be honest I haven’t read yet as it comes out on Tuesday 5 March 2024, however, the reason why it’s featuring now is that having watched Tamu evolve from her social work into a beloved coach over the last decade or so it’s nice to see her come to this new milestone in her career. 

The premise for Women Who Work Too Much: Break Free from Toxic Productivity and Find Your Joy is as follows: “Women have been conditioned into believing our value is in what we do rather than who we are. Do you find yourself saying “yes” because you were never taught how to say “no”? Are you working all hours of the day but not feeling good about your achievements amplifying your perceived mistakes or weaknesses? Many of us believe that to be our best selves, we should do more, but the result is often stress, burnout, and disillusionment. This book offers a healing hand to help you step out of the same old patterns of using success or overworking as a source of self-validation.”

If you follow her on socials you’ll know that sometimes she’ll say some things that have you ricocheting like “Must you scream so loud, woman!” You know, those truths you need but don't necessarily want to hear?

One thing that is always clear is that she comes from a place of love when she coaches and I’m not sure there are that many Black British women working at Tamu’s level right now though email me if you know someone, I’m always interested in new voices.

You can pre-order Women Who Work Too Much from our bookstore.

OTHER BOOKISH BLISS MOMENTS

Malorie Blackman is in conversation with Bernardine Evaristo at The British Library

I came across this video on LinkedIn by in-demand Executive Coach and author David McQueen and it resonated so hard with me I needed you to share it with you. He talks about personal reflection and considerations to make when people reflect their perceptions back to you. In this three minute video he speaks from a work perspective but I think it applies to life generally. This is part of David’s Bravery series which celebrates the release of his debut book, The BRAVE Leader.

I've never met David but the book sounds reflective of the person I've always heard him to be: direct and unapologetic. I got so much joy from this video and he taught me a valuable lesson. I too can be direct but the difference is I often apologise for being too much to those who have been visibly uncomfortable with it. I always use my assertive nature when necessary because it means things get done and as someone who - like David - is confident in my abilities, I have no need to mince my words if I genuinely believe I'm right and working in the situation's best interests. After watching, I realise and agree that it is not my fault if my confidence makes you question your own position. We should be allowed to take up space so long as we're not negatively targeting others.

Every so often you need someone to speak into you and that can come from anywhere. The video gave me life and made me cackle out loud. True words, Mr McQueen. Thank you for sharing. The BRAVE Leader is out now.